Why I Have Two Last Names
I'm always surprised by the reactions I receive when people find out I have two last names. I'm asked if it's a mistake, if I have two middle names, or if I'm trying to be funny.
I remember the day I went to the Social Security office to add my wife's last name to my last name and the person helping me was so confused. She said that I was the first male that she had ever met who was adding his wife's name to his. She then went on to ask me why I was doing this and it has been one of my favorite conversations and open doors for proclaiming the Lord's love to people.
This blog will be focused on that conversation and the explanation of why I have two last names, why I view marriage the way that I do, and why I believe it's crucial for Christians to return to the practice of co-leadership in marriage, family, work, and ministry.
First, I write everything in complete humility. I’m not perfect and I don’t know everything. What I have settled on is not final, but it is where I am at because I have wrestled through the Scriptures, tradition, logic, and experience. I submit the following ideas in openness and humility asking for the same from those who read and respond.
Secondly, I want to say that I'm both a feminist (one who advocates for women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men) and a Biblical egalitarian (one who believes the Bible teaches full equality between women and men). This doesn't mean I hold to every belief of contemporary feminists, but it does mean I see the need to raise our voices to advocate for gender balance in leadership, equal pay, the ending of gender-based violence and harassment, and the consideration of how much better life can be with women and men acknowledging, celebrating, and empowering each other's differences and similarities equally.
This also doesn't mean that I spiral into views that I do not see the Lord communicating through the authors of Scripture. I hold to traditional marriage (between one man and one woman), and I believe in the sanctity and destiny of every human life (including those in the womb).
With all of this stated, I have two last names because my wife and I are one. Her history and my history have blended in the present, and we are moving from glory to glory into the future with one another. We don't exalt my story over her's or her story over mine. We proclaim with both last names that we are equally important in oneness and that each of our lives matter. We declare the significance and testimony of the Lord's work in both of our families, and now our new family symbolized in the union of our last names.
I also have two last names because when I view the holistic narrative of Scripture, I see a story in which God created men and women in God's image. Genesis 1:26-27 depicts this part of the Creation Account by God creating not just men, but both men and women in His image. God then blesses them to be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and rule over it (Gen. 1:28). We do not see God only speaking to the man, but God speaks to both men and women to lead together. The blessing of God for authority in this relationship is directed to be shared as men and women mutually govern.
I am quite aware of the fall that takes place in Genesis 2-3. I acknowledge the fact that one of the consequences of the fall was the woman desiring her husband and her husband ruling over her. I also hold that Jesus' blood has atoned for every effect and consequence of the fall. I believe in the restoring power of His birth, life, teachings, miracles, death, and resurrection. Paul highlights this in the letter to the Galatians explaining in Christ there is no male or female, slave or free, etc. (Gal. 3:28).
I admit that Christ Jesus treated women as subjects, not objects (Jn. 8). He included women in His ministry and conversations (Jn. 4, 8; Lk. 4, 7, 11; etc.). Women funded His ministry (Lk. 8) and were the first to proclaim His resurrection (Jn. 20). He empowered women with freedom, healing, and platform to tell their story (Mk. 5; Lk. 7:44-50; Jn. 20).
When people talk to me about Jesus never having female disciples, I sincerely do not see that when I read the Scriptures. I see many women following Jesus, many women being challenged by Jesus in the same way He challenged his male disciples, and I even see many women leading in the Church after Jesus ascended into heaven. These women include Phoebe the deacon (Rms. 16:1), Priscilla the house church leader (1 Cor. 16:19), teacher (Acts 18:26), and Paul's co-worker (Rms. 16:3), Mary the hard worker (Rms. 16:6), Junia the apostle (Rms. 16:7), and many more! In fact, in Romans 16, 10 of the 27 leaders and people listed in Paul's writing are female.
I also fully understand that the New Testament letters are filled with various passages and commands that seem to point toward a view of marriage and ministry called complementarianism. The complementarian view is one that holds that "God created men and women equal in their dignity and personhood, but different and complementary in function with male headship in the home and the Church." In other words, complementarians believe that men are superior in their role and are called to lead because of their God-given responsibilities as husbands and leaders.
I don't have time to unpack every single passage concerning what I believe to be incorrect views of the Bible, but what I will do is mention these passages and give a brief synopsis of the historical context and why I hold to an egalitarian view. For further reading, please check out the sites hyperlinked in the verses below or these books.
Gen. 1-3 -- I think the three most common points complementarians use from Genesis are that God made man first, the woman was the one who ate the fruit, and the woman was cursed from the fall to have her husband rule over her. First, just because women were made second doesn’t make man superior. This argument does not make sense as animals were made before humans, but humans were seen as the crown of creation. Within this is the common misunderstanding of the word “helpmate” or “ezer”. The Hebrew meaning of this word is most commonly used in referring to the Holy Spirit, who is not secondary or weak, but the source of strength, advocacy, and life. Secondly, the Genesis account is very clear that Eve partakes of the fruit and then gives some to Adam “who was with her.” Men are just as much part of the fall as women, not only in the spiritual oneness they shared in marriage, but the reality that they were physically together in this choice. Finally, when we look to Genesis 3, the word curse only appears with the serpent. God never curses humanity. Go ahead and look it up. Also, as I mentioned earlier, these effects from the fall were redeemed in the atoning sacrifice of our Savior. To claim only certain elements of the fall redeemed by Jesus’ blood is to limit the expansive work of His cross and resurrection. His blood is for all, regardless of gender.
1 Cor. 11 -- Many point to male headship from this passage, but to do so is to miss the primary purpose of Paul's instruction. This selection of Scripture includes mention of women praying and prophesying (speaking) in Church services and ends with claiming that men and women are dependent upon each other and the Lord. The main issue at hand is not about male headship in the Church or marriage, but instead about calling both men and women to modesty, order, and holiness in their Church gatherings.
1 Cor. 14 -- People love to rush to this passage in correlation with 1 Tim. 2 to state women should be silent, submissive, and not speak in the Church. The only issue with this is that Paul had just written in 1 Cor. 11 about women praying and prophesying (talking to and on behalf of God). Understanding context is paramount to understanding the meaning of Paul's exhortation to this community. Paul is writing from 1 Cor. 12-14 to a mixed group of Jewish and pagan worshippers. He is calling for them to live and worship in an orderly way so that non-believers would have more understanding and not be deterred by the chaotic, messy nature of the gifts and charismatic worship styles. Moreover, Paul is calling new Christians from pagan backgrounds to not proclaim pagan beliefs (such as these early women were doing) or even to hinder the process of the gathering with lengthy questions, but rather to ask at home to preserve order in the Church.
Eph. 5 -- Many hold fast to Ephesians 5 as the stalwart for complementarian views of marriage, but they miss the foundation of the passage. Paul starts his thought in v. 18 calling these Christians to be filled with the Spirit and then promotes examples of how they can do so: speaking to one another in songs, singing and making music from their hearts, giving thanks to God, and submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. It is then after the call for mutual submission that Paul beckons wives to submit to husbands. In this very nature, it would include an implication that husbands are to submit to their wives mutually. Not only this but in the ancient world, the leader of the house was written to first in letters. Why is it that Paul would mention wives before husbands? I believe because he is subverting the typical structures of household codes to reveal a more excellent way of life through mutual submission. Finally, this is tied to Ephesians 6, in which Paul references the ways masters and slaves should interact. Can we really hold to a reading of this Scripture that would promote male headship as well as practicing slavery? I don't think we can or we should. I believe Paul is supporting a revolutionary way of marriage, family, and freedom based on mutual submission to one another under Christ's headship. Also, a note on love and respect. If a man is demanding respect in a relationship, that's no longer respect; it's abuse. Love is respect and respect is love.
Col. 3 -- In a similar manner to the letter to the Ephesians, Paul writes to wives first (promoting their leadership), asks for husbands to love their wives (includes the function of submission in love as Jesus displayed), and flips the traditional household script by asking for children, parents and slaves to treat one another with dignity and respect. I see the foundation of this passage promoting the central message of Colossians 3 as v. 12-17. These call for a greater posture of character and love that display the difference between the community of God and the communities of the world. Again, I cannot stand for a reading that would call for wives to submit based on its appearance in the text because it would also call for the continuation of slavery as well.
1 Tim. 2 -- Another anchor for complementarians and those who proclaim male headship in the home and the Church. First, headship is not listed in this passage. Secondly, context is key. Women are asked to be quiet and not to teach not because they are women, but because of what they are saying. John calls for people not to proclaim false theology in 1 John, but that doesn't mean men can't speak today. It means that there were certain myths and beliefs (the Artemis myth) circling in the ancient world that were not true and did not lead to the whole truth displayed in the Scriptural message of God creating, redeeming, and saving through Jesus. Paul writes to this community to correct this incorrect message of Artemis creating and saving women through childbirth with the truth that God created and will preserve them in faith, love, and holiness.
1 Pet. 3 -- Ah, yes, the weaker vessel passage. Surely, this means men are superior to women, right? Wrong. Peter is reminding an early Church community that they are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, and a holy nation (1 Pet. 2:9) and calling them to live in this holiness in the midst of a pagan society. He calls them to live such good lives that the pagans would see their good and come to know Christ (2:12). His call is for them is to submit themselves to the government in honor and respect (13-17), submit themselves (slaves) to their masters and take on their suffering as a way of proclaiming the suffering of Christ (18-25), for wives to submit to husbands to win them over for the Lord (3:1-6), and for husbands to respect their wives to bring them to the Lord as well (3:7). The goal is not to give a universal approach to marriage, but a contextual appeal to win over nonbelievers to Jesus. It was not to declare men as superior to women or women as superior to men but to proclaim the incredible excellence of being in Christ and how the early Church could actively pursue winning others for Jesus.
When all is said and done, I do not see a Scriptural calling for the complementarian viewpoint, but rather I see a Biblical, theological mandate for co-leadership in marriage, family, ministry, and leadership both within and outside the Church.
I believe the Lord has created men and women with unique differences that do not denote one sex to be lesser than the other in function or role. In fact, I see the way that many point to only men being leaders in the Church but they completely miss the fact that the definition of pastor Scripturally and experientially points to "feminine" characteristics (empathy, compassion, contemplative, team-focused, etc.). In not allowing, equipping, or empowering women in leadership in ministry and the household we miss important gifts and leadership qualities necessary for the Church, families, and the world to see the full image of God displayed in men and women leading together.
It is because of these realities that I stand firm in not only supporting my wife through empowerment, love, and respect but also in being led by her in the areas in which she is most gifted and suited to lead. For example, Abbie is much better with finances than I am, so she handles our money. She will also make more money than me--which is fine because men are never called to be the breadwinners in Scripture (that's a myth)--and I'm completely fine with that. It doesn't mean she makes every decision. In fact, we make financial decisions together. We empower one another's strengths, and we join in greater oneness.
An important truth to this is that this is just a human function. When we speak about the gifts of the Spirit as Paul writes about in Romans 12 and 1 Cor. 12-14, we recognize they are gifts that do not belong to men only or women only. They are the gifts of the Spirit. The Spirit dwells within all who call on the name of the Lord and empowers them, regardless of gender to promote the Kingdom message of the Good News of Jesus. The Holy Spirit’s gifts are not limited by gender, so who are we to try to limit the Spirit’s working in men or women?
A side note here: as a male, it's hard to describe this to other men. I feel their testosterone boil on my behalf. I can sense their insecurities and fears of not being in control and leadership. I've never been more secure than when I wrestled through places that I was gripping onto and not allowing others, including my wife, to lead me into. It's brought my wife and me closer together because we've had to have hard conversations about how we can make decisions together and how we can continue to empower one another to co-lead. It's not the easy path, but it's the better way. And I'd encourage men and women to converse more about how they can lead together.
Finally, I hear more often than not that marriage is about compromise. However, compromise is simply two people competing for their own way. I do not believe a healthy marriage is founded on compromise, but rather on cooperation. Cooperation is when two people wrestle together through every option to make a mutual decision that leads to their flourishing and the flourishing of those around them. It is when two people choose love and respect for one another to co-lead in marriage, family, ministry, and life choices.
We chose to hold both last names as a testimony to the world and Church that we are dedicated to cooperating, co-leading, empowering one another, and following the head of our marriage and the Church: Jesus. We affirm that our stories, although different in details, strengths, and weaknesses, are equal and necessary for a thriving life together. We trust that the Lord has called and mandated us both to lead in our marriage, family, and ministry. And we continue to declare to the world and Church, not just through our last names, but through our mutual love and respect for one another, that marriage, family, leadership, and life is much better when we press into the hard things to become more dependent upon the Lord together.
In short, I have two last names because we are better together, and I believe the Lord thinks so too. I know people will disagree and that's okay. I know people will interpret the Bible differently and that's fine. I would simply extend these words to challenge us all to repent (change the way we think and live) and engage with the Lord and one another to find the greatest pathway of love. I would propose that way leads to mutual love and respect regardless of gender, because that's the way Jesus has shown us. If our method of treating others lesser is based on sex, it will perpetuate actions to which our Lord has not called us. I would also suggest that maybe our marriages and the testimonies of relationships in the Church would be a better witness to the world when we reveal we are Christ's disciples by the way we mutually love one another.
Here's to a love that changes the world, starting in our hearts and homes, and extending to our neighbors, nations, and networks. I believe that love is mutual and leads to the co-leadership of men and women revealing the full image of God together. We are better together, friends. Let us love and respect each other the way God created, redeemed, and called us to be. Amen.
